“What am I doing here?!”
I’m on a quest! I’ve always been a deep thinker, a philosopher in the making, pondering life’s great mysteries. When I was younger, given my love of animals, I just assumed I would grow up to be a vet. That only lasted long enough to actually step inside an office of the same. I was “lucky” to be there on a day when several cats were scheduled to get neutered and spayed and another dog, a hysterectomy. I vividly remember the stench of disinfectant, watching cats being picked up by their tails and a garbage bag being filled with blood. Then I remember walk-running out of that office as fast as I could. Looking back, it’s pretty clear that was not a kind and loving healing place for animals. On the contrary, it was a horror show. Still, it was transformative in that my soul said, “Keep looking, Karen.”
The next decade of my life would be spent in a teenage-fueled hormone frenzy to be in the music business. Rock photographer? Nah, when the camera got in my hands, I found myself wanting to take pictures of nature and, back in those days, a good camera couldn’t be snuck into concerts the way a pocket polaroid could inside a blue jean mini skirt.
The metal days: The future Dr. Karen with Bobby “Blitz” from Overkill. This encounter led to a great friendship that lasted even beyond my wedding almost a decade later.
Rock journalist / videographer was the next calling and wow was that fun. My colleagues were Wayne’s World before Wayne’s World. My local cable company and music business contacts provided the opportunity to interview musicians from all over the world. Free concerts and merchandise was certainly a boon; however, what resonated the most was just talking and listening to others. I got to step into their shoes and feel what it might have been like to grow up in Brooklyn or Brazil. I met people of different races and religions – my mind expanded. Regardless of where they came from, all had one thing in common, no WE all had one thing in common – big dreams. That led me to being something I never thought capable – heavy metal band manager.
Helping others and working so incredibly hard to make their dreams come true even relocated me to New York City where I lived in the East Village for several years. That even helped me land a job at an actual record company in Chinatown where I became a publicist. Ultimately, given the changing energy of the music business, not to mention the intense backbiting and wizard-behind-the-curtain revelations of the industry, the prior success of all “my boys” would never reach the desired heights. But I made peace with that. I learned, I experienced, I grew some more. I have memories of a lifetime – and in case I ever forget them, some colorful tattoos.
Especially when I first left the business, I had lots and lots of colleagues wondering how I could do it. Music had always been my caffeine. Many thought it was just a phase and that I would be back once my wounds had healed. But for me there was no going back. Sitting in that old office or my overpriced cockroach-infested apartment, putting in unpaid late nights because I cared so darn much about the bands I promoted (some who were traveling the world as I longed to do!) made me realize that I was worth championing. The allegations cloaked in jealousy and misappropriated funds of my superiors taught me to never compromise my integrity or lie. The unsatisfied itch I had felt prior to moving began to gnaw at me again.
Luckily, because I was always good at multi-tasking, I had already started my career change. I had proven myself in the world of academics, was given license to create my own degree, attend any of the NYC colleges and through an awarded grant (and lots of late-night studying fueled by way too much coffee and cigarettes), finally earned what would be the first of many college/professional degrees. I became a teacher and loved my students but hated the restrictions of the administrations who I saw kowtow to the lazy or financially indulgent. I saw kids, so worthy of help, not get what they deserved whereas others, who did nothing, skated by because “they could do more but chose not to.” I lost respect for that institution which harbored cheaters, cowards, and bullies. But oh, how I loved sparking that light in another – inspiring them to do better, be better. I just knew I couldn’t do it inside the walls of a school. I never consider this almost decade of my life to have been wasted. I learned to honor my intelligence rather than tucking it away for fear of rejection from my peers. I vowed to always stand up to those who were cruel simply because they could be. I promised to always fight for the underdog. Although closer to my life purpose, I heard that now familiar voice in my soul saying, “Keep looking, Karen.”
Years after moving back to my home state of Michigan, I became a board-certified holistic doctor. This shouldn’t be surprising to anyone in the field or to those who know their Latin – after all, docere or doctor means to teach. Funny enough? It came out of left field for me. I didn’t even know what a naturopath was. When I reviewed the curriculum, however, I swear I felt the stars align. Something deep inside of me rejoiced. Nature intertwined with passion and educating others to become the best versions of their selves in a way that it was in the beginning - long before man thought they knew better.
I am well aware of the disrespectful terminology used for my field by the less informed. All I can say it BRING IT ON! To break down walls and fight to finally heal has taken years. Holistic health certainly keeps one humble as the ones who are really good at what they do are learning right alongside their clients. For me, I needed to clean out the debris that had become trapped inside my body after so many years of misdiagnoses, bad lifestyle choices and repeated patterns of relationships with narcissists. Working tirelessly behind the scenes, I’ve had both numerous successes and challenges. Long gone were the crumpled Marlboro light packs and Diet Coke cans of my 20’s. Now replaced with reserve osmosis water and gluten-free snacks, my clean body could now manifest a clean mind to reflect back what I knew deep inside – to heal fully one must be whole physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
That last one – that’s from where lately my biggest pull has sprung forth. I have always been spiritual. Raised Catholic, I was the kid who loved playing church and felt His presence even if it was in nothing more than unconsecrated Ritz crackers used during pretend Communion. I even remember asking my playmates to pray with me. Needless to say, I wasn’t a popular kid.
That was also because I was never comfortable in my own spiritual skin. I didn’t feel like I fit as I was always looking for answers. Sitting in church weekend after weekend didn’t usher contentment. Prayers were rote, rosaries recited, and penance recommended without thought. Instead, I wanted to know what angels were, how that whole Trinity 3 in 1 thing worked, how so many Hindus and Buddhists could be wrong. And yes, I say that last one with jest because well, I just know better but that’s a story for another day. When I reached out to that presence, I felt a calming stillness knowing there was something greater than myself. More often than not (and still to this day), I found awe and wonder in nature. Outside, I became no longer the outsider, the forgotten, the unheard. Now my soul cried out the truth. Made in His image, I was divine.
Ooh, that could be controversial, some might even say blasphemous. Frankly, and I do truly say this with genuine love, I no longer care. I’ve become used to being the scapegoat. I jokingly blame it on the dwarf planet Eris. Discovered only a year after my son’s birth (2005) it managed to knock Pluto off the list of “real” planets and its placement in my astrological chart strongly influences my very reason for existence.
Located in my third house of communication, along with the north node, and ruled by Pisces at the time when I entered this world, it indicated that I would feel like a “stranger in my own community” and it essentially demanded that I be “at odds with the cultural norm” in order to take a stand “against what everyone does, for the sake of living” my truth. While I did just read this on astromatrix.org, I’ve known it to be true for so long. And if you know me - and I mean really know me - you know it, too.
The site continues: “People with Eris in the third house of communication…are here to speak up against injustice and dishonesty. They are here to draw attention to what is ignored for the sake of keeping the peace. Here Eris is able to identify dishonesty within the community be it political, social, or economic. Eris has a powerful mind that can spot attempts at selfish gain that doesn’t serve the interests of the public and they are quick to call this out either through public communication or written word. They are the whistle blowers that bring awareness to hidden agendas and have the courage to ensure that it becomes public knowledge. They are the ones rallying up the marches to protest against social injustices and are the revolutionists that are the bringers of change.”
OK, let’s stop there before anyone calls the Secret Service or wonders where I was on January 6th. I’m not ready to lead any revolutions just quite yet and I was safely in my house staring at the TV in disgust at those who used their “right to freedom” as justification for dishonoring our capital and using violence as a means to an end. Disagree? No need to comment. I’m not here to force my opinions on others. Even when I helped out the Vaccine for Choice organization, we peacefully met with our lawmakers and simply reminded them when necessary that everyone has a CHOICE as to what they do with their bodies. Our goal was as Astromatrix so aptly puts, “to take a stand…as a means of getting the ball rolling for change needed.”
Am I currently feeling ready or even willing to be the next Joan of Arc? Heck no! After all, those seem like some pretty big shoes to fill. Quite honestly, I HAVEN’T GOT A CLUE as to what my cause will be as there seem to be so many contenders.
Maybe I won’t even have A CAUSE. Change doesn't have to be in the form of a rebellion. Who knows, perhaps someone reading this, my humble thoughts, will be inspired to discover what their life purpose is.
"One moment can change a day, one day can change a life,
and one life can change the world." - Buddha
For now, I am settling into my greater purpose. I learn from others daily. Whereas before, actively working on soul evolution and not having the notion of knowing why I was here on this Earth at this time, was downright unsettling. It's sitting in an unanchored boat drifting aimlessly. The waves aren't rough, there isn't necessarily a storm, but you're not going anywhere either.
However, now that I know all about the North node, Eris and Pisces, I feel that while not given a motor for my boat so that I can zip along effortlessly, I have been handed two oars with which to propel forward. I now have a divine and predestined reason to use my empathetic and intuitive skills to connect with others on a deep level. Ahhhh, this makes my soul sing! I love offering emotional support, sharing spiritual insights as offered by Higher Source during energy sessions, and forming deeper bonds with the kind of people who just…get it.
Will being a holistic doctor be my final vocational destination? Considering my God-given big heart, and my love of nature given to me by my father, most likely yes. Is it my final spiritual destination? Considering my fiery disposition given to me by both my paternal and maternal sides (one that was courageous enough to escape from a tyrannical regime that sought to remove their very identity), absolutely without a doubt, no. Recent events have already changed the Where and When aspects of my career and the near completion of becoming a Certified Spiritual Practitioner already promises to change the Who, What, How and Why. The course material projects me back to my days of studying theology at Hunter College in New York while at the same time resonating with me in a way that was never possible back then. I look forward to sharing these simple yet powerful lessons. Being human, sometimes I think, “Will there be those who will come to me for this guidance? Am I worthy of such great feats?” I need only to remind myself of the great Dalai Lama’s (XIV) words,
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Take Away: If reading this has sparked an ember inside of you, chances are you’re wondering what your greater mission is. Hooray - you've already taken the first step. Keep thinking about it, ask for guidance from your Higher Source for inspiration and answers. Although, I can’t speak highly enough about astrology here. This ancient science, the one I loved as a teenager and then kept on the back burner for most of my adult life, is one of the most helpful tools for this purpose.
I happily offer this service to you and hope that you take me up on my offer – especially since part of my purpose is to interact with people and not wander off to a hermitage as I so often yearn, lol.
Another option is to look up your own natal chart and find the north node’s location yourself. Warning: What you find won’t necessarily sound like what you’ve dreamed of doing – on the contrary, it might sound hard or yucky. No one said life was meant to be easy, folks. But when you do find that you’re on the right course, if you just stop and listen you might just hear words similar to what I now do.
“Keep going, Karen, you’ve got this.”
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