Bite me, Socrates

Today is National Blog Day. Yes, it’s one of those many, in my opinion, made-up days. But seeing as how EVERYONE is telling me that I really should be more than an in-the-mood marketer for my business, I’m using this as an excuse to finally bite the bullet and put myself out there.

After all, why does this have to be such a scary thing? Umm, how about because every time in my past when I felt like I have, the shitstorm starts and the people who seem compelled to darken my light come out of the woodwork causing lots of emotional distress? How about the fact that I’ve been conditioned to think that if people WANT to hear from me, they’ll ask and otherwise I should just zush my mush? How about what is deep inside of me makes me want to cry at the drop of a hat and having to think about it only seems to make it worse?

Gah! OK, seeing as how I’m a big believer in fighting your fears head on and pushing through what scares you in order for the soul to grow, here we go. Let’s talk about Change.

Quite oddly enough, when I hear that word, I usually laugh because it brings back memories of the BIG changes that occur in everyone’s life – puberty. Oh, believe me, puberty was no laughing matter. Then again, the fact that I was introduced to it courtesy of the nuns at St. Stephen’s Elementary school via a really bad movie in the church - of all places – it kinda is. The filmmakers were trying to be hip (cuz, yeah, I grew up in the 70s and that word was used) by playing David Bowie’s song of the same name over a montage of a boy and girl gazing at one another across a canoe with cartoon images of body parts going through obviousphysical changes.

“Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (turn and face the strange)”

Ch-ch-changes…”

Outside of puberty, even changes that were a combination of physical and emotional, never really scared me. It was often thrust upon me so what choice did I have? When our farmhouse burned to the ground leaving nothing behind but a crumbling foundation, our family rebuilt. When my dad landed a prime promotion, our family moved and adjusted to a new home (or two) and city. In fact, I often looked forward to change. I was that person who looked at the crying cheerleaders in high school with curiosity – why were they sad to leave? I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there and the Midwest! I was the one who despite not having steady employment or place to live, sold my limited possessions and bought a one-way ticket to New York City to follow my then dreams of making it in the music business. And well, when that didn’t pan out, I embraced the change of going back to college in my mid-20’s and even thrived!

So then why at age 53 has this back-in-the-Midwest holistic doctor spent the majority of her summer slathering pain-no-more lotion and moringa oil on her legs and hips and back? Why are her nerves screaming for hypericum? Why is she at the chiropractor and desperately teaching her hubby how to do energy work? AND WHY ISN’T ANY OF IT WORKING LONG-TERM?!

Hmm. Maybe it has something to do with why I’ve also been eyeing my bottle of Walnut flower remedy and thinking that it may not just be for everyone else. You see, Walnut is the remedy for…. you guessed it… change and transition. Lots of practitioners when making blends for their clients will put in one drop. Others a few drops depending on their needs. People, I feel like I need to drink the whole bottle and then order another.

I’m thinking – no, I know - it’s because there’s been so much damn change that is finally coming to fruition this year. Let’s see, I decided not to renew the lease at my office. Three and a half years ago I dreamed it, planned it and opened the doors. My practice flourished in ways that I never imagined possible. But when my husband’s job changed, my hours were impacted because of the needs of our twin teenage girls. And so began the push and pull of motherhood and the opposing emotions that tore at my heart: Wanting this job for him. Resenting him for it. Wanting to be there for the girls. Yes, resenting them too. Being okay with moving the business one day and then wanting to cry at the thought of leaving it behind the next. And - stupidly enough – being consumed that others would see it as a step back.

Look, I’m not proud but it took me MONTHS to work through it all. I went through the fire and am now happily moved out of my office space. I’ve realized that while maybe one day there will be another, I don’t necessarily want to work in an office all by myself. My new space allows me to look out at my colorful garden filled with healing herbs and fragrant flowers. Yes, I am embracing being at my beautiful home despite still having so much to do to make it just as I want it, but I’m okay with that. It’s giving me the opportunity to expand my skills and offerings to my clients that I never could have done in my old office space. Without the worry of overhead, I can take chances.

I’ve even recently made peace with no longer dying my hair. Yup, I’m going gray – for good. Heck, my hair first started to turn when I was pregnant with Jack, my oldest, who is now 18.

Kindergarten bound - seems like yesterday!

When I say I no longer care, it’s not because I’ve decided to wave the white flag of defeat. On the contrary, I’m feeling emboldened by it. My hairdresser just laughed when I told her I was embracing the wise witch in me! Seriously though, who cares what color my hair is? I mean, hubby can’t talk – he’s been in the silver fox category for years now. It was only me holding myself back. And I’m so very tired of getting in my own way.

OK, so if those things are all good, then what’s the problem? After all, according to Socrates, “the secret of change is to not focus all of our energy on fighting the old but on building the new.” Bite me, Socrates!. Your beautiful baby boy isn’t leaving for college in less than two weeks.

There I said it. Kind of out loud.

Yes, of course I WANT him to leave the nest! I’m so darn excited for this kid to go to his dream college (go, Valpo Beacons!) because after all, if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t feel like I had done my job as a parent which includes preparing him for the real world.

But wow, is this harder than I thought it was going to be. I have moments where sadness overwhelms me. Just as I frantically look through catalogs to make sure everything on his dorm list is accounted for, I frantically fantasize about finding that time machine so I can go back and give so so many more hugs and kisses. Then it seems like as soon as I’ve pulled myself up by my bootstraps, I see my husband struggling with the same and it pulls me back under creating the aforementioned physical manifestations.

According to inspirational author Louise Hays, these symptoms are tied to fear of going forward with major life decisions and not feeling supported by life.

Boooo! You stink, Louise. How dare you be so spot-on!

Yikes, what was that? That was the sound of my gut instincts. Time to pull it together, Karen. Time to do the same things you would tell your clients. So, with 12 days and counting, I vow to:

• Say the affirmations from Hay’s Heal My Body book: “I am supported by Life. I am in perfect balance. I move forward in life with ease and with joy at every age.

• Honor my feelings.

• Ground myself.

• Stay present.

• Enjoy to the fullest each and every remaining family pizza and movie night.

• Take MY Walnut flower remedy.

• Breathe!

• Know that when Jack says, “I’m going to be fine” that he is.

• Remember that he’s not the little boy that got bullied in middle school anymore. He’s stronger and wiser and more confident.

• Remember that the first long break and winter holidays will be here before you know it.

• Remember that if he does need you, he’ll call because he knows he can and that you can be there in a flash.

• Remember that even if he doesn’t believe it, you know that Robbie, and Dave and God are there with him in spirit.

Google searches are always interesting. When looking for one on change, it offered wise words from The Orange Woodpecker (what?!). I have no idea what that it, but it says, “Change is not pleasant. But change is constant. Only when we change and grow, we’ll see a world we never know.”

I agree with only half of that. Despite needing lots of Kleenex and waterproof mascara, I don’t think all change is emotionally hostile. Change opens up new doors. When it comes with a move, as The Chicks so aptly say in their “Wide Open Spaces” song, it can give the room one needs to see new faces and both transform and make (often necessary) big mistakes while doing the same.

Heck, I myself am feeling the need to travel to expansive lands that offer life-changing landscapes in order to work at a deeper level with my clients and future tribe. Sounds like something you might be interested in as well - please comment below or use the contact button to be added to my list.

What are your thoughts about transitory change? I’d love to hear from all of you who have been there and done it as well as those who are currently dealing with it.

Or...maybe you’re thinking of making some changes of your own in the near future and need to write it down here to make it real.

Have no words of wisdom but like or maybe even love my new blog? I appreciate all positive feedback and encourage you to comment/contact me/share the hell out of this page.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen